*Encouragement is the best medicine to give someone. If I were to pick any gift to have in helping others, that would be the one*

Sunday, December 27, 2009


I need some answers about Chaz.  It's really hard, some days.  Other days not so hard.  For the most part he can't keep his hands to himself.  He finds pure joy out of irritating others and seeing people get angry or cry.  I know some siblings do that but Chaz obssesively does it.  It keeps the house in a constant uproar because he's always making someone angry.  I know some people say he needs his own room but he HATES to be alone. I think he's like to have his own room to keep his things nice and neat but he would never sleep in there.  When he is naughty, which is quite often, I put him in a 9 minute time out.  He'll then scream and scream and scream.  He yell out how much he hates himself.  Wishes he never lived. How stupid he is.  He'll scream the whole time.  I won't let him out till he calms down.  I worry because he's only 9 years old.  Would he someday really hurt himself?  I don't like saying that.  He feels bad to put that in writing.  It's scary.    I love my kids!!!  I battle back and forth about whether to have anymore.  I love, love, love, love having children without a doubt.  I spend every one of their waking hours with them.  No one could accuse me of not having enough time with each of them.  They never leave my side.  Except for when they go to children's church once a week for a couple of hours.  Ha ha.  But seriously.  No one could accuse me of not spending enough time with them.  I homeschool them for goodness sakes.  I read to them.  I take them to the library every week.  They go to church with me.  They go to the store with me.  When am I ever without them?  Heck, I can't even take a kid to the ER without the whole family following me.  :D  I laugh, but inside I cry sometimes. 

Friday, December 18, 2009

Can We Change Lanes?

Can I get out of the dangerous fast lane?

Life with Chaz is incredibly hard.  Just when we began to doubt his Asperger diagnosis, he'll change again. His rage can be so horribly bad that he sounds crazy.  If I put him in time out, he will scream at the top of his lungs with such pure rage and words of self hatred, it's shocking to my ears.  I worry because he is only 9 years old.  I worry that someday he really will hurt himself. 

There are times that the kids will come in the house to tell me something Chaz did to them.  The other day Chaz was pinning Ryan down on the bed and he was doing it so hard that Ryan's eyes were really wide.  Like he was scared.  I look at Chaz and his just has THAT grin on his face.  The same grin he always has when he's hurting someone.  He doesn't care.  It's almost as if he has no feeling.  I've read a book before and that's one of the characteristics they have. They don't have empathy.  You have to help them learn that. It's just so, so, so, so, so, so hard.  It's hard not to lose my temper around him because he'll do something so crazy that it'll shock me.  I get so upset that he just won't leave his siblings alone.  He got in trouble in children's church the other day because he flicked a girl in the face and made her cry.  This is why he can't be in school.  He would just be put in a closet like room where he would scream and scream.  The isolation thing.  No one to help calm him down. Asperger kids have trouble calming themselves down.

I made this to document some of Chaz's behavior.  He does such crazy things that he has done things to hurt himself.  I hate that I was ever questioned about being abusive towards him from CPS.  I can't believe the school called on me without talking to me first.  Chaz TOLD them that he was sword playing with his brothers.  Yet we went through a few months of investigation.  In the end, they got in trouble because a state detective followed us and found us completely innocent.  He even apologized to us for the whole incident.  He visited my blog page I have and said it looked like we had a great family.  A stable family.  Yes we do.  Chaz, however, makes each day pretty unstable and he is constantly, constantly harrassing a sibling all the time.  Enough to cause upsets and fights.  I hate fighting.  Who doesn't want peace?  When you have a kid that looks for fights, it can cause many problems.  They want to play with Chaz but because he's so rough and gets angry so easy, the kids have a hard time befriending him and that breaks my heart.
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